I used to be chubby, clumsy, and ugly.
I used to blame myself everyday for not being smart nor diligent enough in school.
I was barely hanging in there, letting life pass by.
One day I found out I could end all of those sad things, by changing my view about myself. Everything starts right here: the way you think about yourself. This is not a self-help essay. I just want to tell you a story.
On what base?
I was a big kid. My biological dad is a giant and my mom is just a little smaller than him. My other mom has a tiny body frame but that fact does not play any role in this particular situation. Surprisingly I passed grade school surviving all verbal abuses and bullies due to my size. Middle school and high school were not as lucky. What bugged me the most was I couldn’t get over the fact that I looked poles apart from both my moms. They are good-looking and even though quite different in height, they were in great shape. I wish my outlook could resemble more of theirs back then.
Everyday I looked into the mirror, in my head I trimmed a part of my body and replaced it with that of one of moms. I had a complete imaginative self-makeover during the summer after sixth grade. That fantasy of being someone else was amazing. Someone looked like me, just a little shorter, with a good chin, skinnier arms and no cellulite. Right, that person was more like both of my mothers combined. Despite that person was all in my head, I acted up like it was the real me. It has lasted for almost an entire year. I was totally out of it thanks to my first crush. I confided in him everything as in what happened in front of the mirror and behind my forehead. His reaction was bizarre, instead of responding to me, he started to talk to an invisible person next to me. I was baffled and upset because of his prank. He told me that I had an average nose which was ‘neat’ in his opinion; that I had ‘more chin’ than it should be but it actually made my face angle proportionally; and that since I didn’t hike as often as my moms did nor moving around much, it made no sense I had a tone body.
During that time, every night what he said made me think. I gradually came to believe my way of thinking dictates everything. Our self definition is based on our viewpoints and thus they are subjective, personal, and could possibly be far from how other people see us. Yes I love to look like my mothers. Maybe I love to look truly like myself more. I reached that conclusion forty nine weeks after our conversation. It was when my crush and I just ceased talking to each other altogether. He was a nice guy. He is still now.
What are my roles?
I was alone. I chose to be alone. My family was very supportive when I came out. I guess it was a part of the rebel blood in my vessel. Oddly, I felt an obligation to prove to everyone that a daughter of a gay couple can be straight. I never bat an eye about the fact that I have two mothers. They love me and I love them. I must have vocalized my controversial ‘duty’ wrongly. My moms were sad, I could tell.
Then I fell in love with Devin. It was a ‘wrong’ track from what I have been trying to achieve. Every time I was with her, things felt right, the universe aligned and love substances covering the earth atmosphere like nitrogen and oxygen. But I was scared. What if I lose her? I would not only fail something I was ‘trying hard to prove’ but also being heart-broken. [sign] I lied to Devin about how I felt for her. I said stupid things and made up stories of fancying someone else. I hurt her and it made both of us miserable. We never had a chance to be together. I ran away from her, from my feelings. The only good thing was I eventually told my moms about what is going on with my internal dilemma.
It took quite a while for things to kinda get back to normal. I am about to go to college. Both my moms have been helping me a lot. They told me many untold stories and the emotional turbulence they went through. They made it heartily clear how grateful they are for my understanding of our not-so-conventional family life. The coolest thing is they convinced me that I would grow up a kind and thoughtful person, and helpful to others.
I can see myself better and learn from painful experiences. It gave me confidence and a different perspective of how to navigate through life difficulties while maintaining and strengthening my core values. I learn to like my imperfect body and face, to stop scrutinizing over mistakes I have made and just-average things I have done. If I can’t find something I really want to do, I will focus on what makes me happy. It could be simple as that. If I can’t find something that makes me happy I would jog down my memory lane for joyful moments in the past and chat with friends to find out. It is not unambitious. I trust that knowing myself would open up a new understanding of what I can do and put myself together to make it happen.
My enemy was myself. It is bigger than my shape and size. Acknowledging that already marked a good milestone in my life. Guess what, I have made friends with my enemy as well. We understand and help each other out. If some days I think badly about myself, it would be okay. I welcome all thoughts, good or bad. We will work together to only take upon the most appropriately constructive ideas. College will be fun and I will be ready to date again.
Having a disability I can relate to your story.
Thanks for sharing Kim!
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